What do we do in those moments that we just want to SCREAM at our kids

I wanted to comment today on Marina's response to the last blog post. It was very honest of Marina to say what she has because I'm sure we have all felt that way at one time or another.
Marina commented...
"I would soooo love to see a list of alternate suggestions for those "I just want to scream" moments, because I hate, hate, hate it when my children model yucky behaviour that I realise they have learnt from me! " (see her full comment under last post)

Good question Marina. I know that we have all yelled and screamed at our children, mostly in pure frustration and often knowing it doesn't work... but doing it anyway. Then...as you say we see them mimic us, modelling the behaviour we have unconsciously taught them.

I will share with you some of the things that happened for us, that transformed our parenting from yelling/screaming and nagging (not all the time!) to a more peaceful home environment of mutual respect.

Only a couple of years or so ago our family dynamics were VERY different and if you have read 'The Revolting Child' book you will understand what was happening. Personally as a parent I was very frustrated with Caleb's choices and his behaviour and attitude. And yes Marina I had many of those "I just want to SCREAM moments" because I didn't understand Caleb and what he was going through. I didn't know why he was doing what he was and making all the choices he was.
When I started to stop and look at Caleb as an equal with his own thoughts opinions and goals and asked myself "why" he was doing what he was I could be more objective rather than reactive. So instead of yelling and saying "Why did you.....?", "Why can't you....?" I asked myself... "How can I help?"
Interestingly when I stopped (or hugely minimised) judging and yelling and showed Caleb more respect his behaviours and judgments started improving HUGELY. Hence my "I want to yell moments" also reduced hugely.

So....what do we do when we want to 'scream, yell, judge, control, nag'
I believe..

1. Look at what is happening, what are the kids doing /saying/ not doing that is making your blood pressure rise.
2. Do not react!!!!!
3. Ask yourself quietly , "What is the outcome I desire here?"
4. If your outcome is to gain cooperation, ask yourself..."Will yelling help?"
5. If you get a quick "No"
6. Assess quickly why you think the child/children are behaving the way they are. Why do you feel your blood pressure rising? What is happening?
7. Now ask yourself "How can I gain their cooperation?" Can you calmly ask your child for their cooperation. Show them that you respect their opinions. You may even be able to ask them "How can I help you?" Do this calmly and without judgement. If you have already yelled or not listened to them a great ice breaker is to say "I'm sorry for that.....I was feeling......."
8. Be honest with your children, they will really respect you. Let them see that you value them and can see why they may have been uncooperative. Discuss a middle ground that will make both parties happier.
   
9. Compromise and build on from that.
10. In a nut shell.. we can all get frustrated with each other. If you show your children (and age doesn't matter here) that they are valued and respected they in turn will mirror that back...Just like they mirror back the negative behaviours like yelling and screaming.
11. The more we can treat our children with respect and value them, the more they will want to return that to us and the LESS you will want to or need to yell and srceam. It can take some time and much self correcting of our behaviours but you know what? Children learn fast, they are smart and mostly they too want to be in a calm , happy and cooperative environment.

Hope this helps and love to hear how you go :)
Happy parenting
Cheers,
Lillian

TIP OF THE WEEK- By Lillian Reekie

TIP 6-

Treat your children like a well respected visitor or guest in your home.*

If you pay your children the common courtesy you would a respected guest in your home it is highly likely that it will be reciprocated. The more you treat your children this way the more they will want to treat you the same. We use this courtesy in most instances when dealing with other adults at work or in social situations, so why not with our children?

*Think of a situation in YOUR life when you HAVE NOT been treated with respect. It may have been by a parent, a teacher, a spouse, a sibling, a friend, a co worker or a boss or superior at work. How did you feel? or How would you imagine feeling if you have had the good fortune of never being treated this way? Did you or would you respond positively to being treated this way? Would you want to cooperate and be helpful?

Now imagine how your child may feel if they are being controlled, belittled, yelled at or even told they are hopeless or useless etc. Imagine how they feel if they are not given the opportunity to voice THEIR opinion or thoughts, if they are TOLD what to do and ordered around like a slave*. Do you think they would want to be the most cooperative and have the best and loving attitude?

Think about the words/tone you use and how they come across to your child and then ask yourself... “Is that the way I would like to be spoken to?”

*Slavery is asking or making someone do something without saying please. It is expecting obedience. A slave has only one purpose in life, and that’s to destroy the master.(from conversations with Frank in The Revolting Child book)

ADHD Hidden Dangers Book

Attention Defecit Hyperactivity Disorder Dr. Drug'emall

TIP 5- Focus on the outcome you WANT*

Just want to share the latest tip of the week. This tip not only applies to dealing with challenging children but to life in general. I hope you enjoy it and implement it to your life! For prior tips scroll through the prior blog posts.

TIP OF THE WEEK-
TIP 5-
Focus on the outcome you WANT*
The ‘Law of Attraction’ teaches us that what we give most thought to is what we actually attract. It makes sense then, that we should focus our thoughts, spoken words and all that we do on the positive outcome WE WANT rather than what we DO NOT want.


*It is human nature it seems to focus on the things we don’t like, don’t want and that are negative in our lives. This can be especially so when dealing with challenging children as the challenges being presented are there in physical form for us to see, hear and feel. We must train ourselves to turn that around and think MORE of the positive outcome we desire. Instead of thinking and verbalising those things that we are not happy with , we must turn those thoughts around visualising that positive outcome, even if it feels like it’s so far away. The more thought we give to what we want, the more the universe will conspire to provide that to us, in turn leading us to solving the challenges and focusing only on the solutions. The universe will also equally conspire to provide the continuous of the negative happenings if that is what we give most thought to.
So...........What are you thinking??

Happy parenting

ADHD/MEDICATION- Why are they medicating our children?

Last night I did the first webinar in my series to educate and inform parents, especially those with challenging children.
It was about ADHD and other conditions and the medications that are being prescribed.

This is just some of the information shared-

-ADD-ADHD drugs have been proven to alter brain chemistry and damage vital organs like the heart and liver.

-ADD-ADHD is a set of symptoms, and does not require a medication to treat. Medication simply masks the real issues, acting like a band-aid.
Methylphenidates (like Ritalin and Adderall) have caused deaths of otherwise healthy children and teenagers.

-The chemical make-up of Methylphenidates are extremely similar to that of crack cocaine, and children using it often exhibit similar side effects as crack addicts.
Ritalin is one of the Nation's top ten abused drugs, by teens and adults. (US)

-Schools and Doctors are more likely to coerce you into you using ADD-ADHD because they receive "cash bonuses" for every child. (in US but signs of happening here in Australia)

-The FDA was aware of the potential dangers of certain ADD-ADHD medications and marketed them anyway for profit.

-ADD drugs often produce the symptoms they are supposed to be repressing. For example, the FDA received numerous reports of children using ADD-ADHD medications showing aggressive behavior. Up to 20% of these reported cases resulted in severe injury or hospitalisation

SOME OF THE MEDICATIONS BEING PRESCRIBED AND THE ADVERSE SIDE EFFECTS...

RITALIN
Loss of appetite
Blurred vision
Dizziness
Lightheadedness
Headache
Dry mouth
Stomach upset
Sleeplessness
Irritability or constipation may occur the first few days as your body adjusts to the medication.

Over the years Ritalin has been implicated in all of the following:

Cardiac Arrest: There are many documented cases where heart failure in otherwise healthy children was traced back to their use of Ritalin.

Suicide: It is a disturbing fact to note that the suicide rate among children aged 5-14 more than doubled over the past 20 years. This is also the period that prescriptions for ADD-ADHD medications went through the roof.
Increased cancer risk: In 2005 Texas researchers found that after just three months, every one of a dozen children treated for attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) with the drug methylphenidate (the active ingredient in Ritalin) experienced a threefold increase in levels of chromosome abnormalities— occurrences associated with increased risks of cancer and other adverse health effects.

Homicide: What motivates a young person to take a gun to school, point it at his schoolmates and let rip!? We desperately need answers to this question as an epidemic of school shootings wash across the nation. The one factor that is rarely reported is that prescription drugs were involved somewhere in the mix with just about every school shooting over the past 2 decades

Addiction: Like cocaine, Ritalin is a powerful stimulant that increases alertness and productivity. Ritalin and cocaine also look and act the same. Both have a similar chemical structure, and both increase dopamine levels in the brain

CONCERTA
Headache Upper respiratory tract infection
Stomach ache
Vomiting
Loss of appetite
Sleeplessness
Increase cough
Sore throat
Sinusitis
Dizziness
Reduced stature
Tics
Moodiness
Psychosis

Concerta contains the same active ingredient (Methylphenidate) as Ritalin and is therefore essentially the same drug. The only difference between the two is that
Concerta works on a 'sustained release' principle with the active ingredient being released into the blood stream over a longer period.

STRATTERA
Stomach upset
Vomiting
Constipation
Fatigue
Loss of appetite
Dry mouth
Dizziness
Trouble sleeping
Menstrual cycle changes
Mood changes may occur

There are numerous instances of Strattera being implicated as the 'prime suspect' in suicides. Parents reported normally content and happy children suddenly slipping into dark moods and depression. Sometimes with tragic results: Thirteen year old
Adrian David Wade committed suicide in October 2004 after being on Strattera for only four months. His parents directly attributed his death to the drug.

Adrian's case, although desperately sad, is not unique. A report by the British Medicines and Healthcare Regulatory Authority implicated Strattera in 130 reports of suicidal thoughts and behaviors. It also listed 766 spontaneous reports of cardiac disorders and 172 of liver injury, and about 20 completed suicides.

IF THIS IS INFORMATION THAT YOU TOO FEEL OTHER PARENTS AND TEACHERS NEED TO KNOW PLEASE PASS THIS ON.

Happy parenting,
cheers,
Lillian

Don't give up...visualise the outcome you desire

TIP OF THE WEEK- By Lillian Reekie
TIP 4-
Don’t...Give...Up...*
If you are in the midst of working through challenges with your family, perhaps with a particular child, and you’re feeling lost or unsure... don’t give up. Believe that all you need to help solve your challenge is coming to you.

* Don’t...Give...Up is lesson 10 from the bestselling book ‘The Mastery Club’ by Liliane Grace.
To find out more go to www.hiddendangers.com.au then click on ‘ People Making a difference’. You will see the Mastery Club link there.

In her summary of Mastery Club lesson 10, Liliane says.. “Sometimes it’s hardest just before you’re about to achieve your goal. That’s why they say ’It’s darkest before dawn’ If everything seems to be going wrong, hang in there! Don’t fall for how things look. Be a creator, be the cause. Your life is in your hands.”

I urge you if you haven't already done so to read this book, especially if have have children aged 8-18. It's a valuable and fun story.

Don't give up is lesson 10, the other 9 are just as valuable.

Look forward to catching you on the webinars and home study group.
Have a great week.
Lillian

HOW DO WE GET OTHERS TO UNDERSTAND OUR CHILDREN?

I thought it was about time I answered some more questions from the survey.
This week I have been extremely busy getting the home study support group up and happening (there are still some places left)as well as our first webinar for next Wednesday 14th on ADHD/medication.
My intention was to write a new blog entry every day or two but time just hasn't permitted me to do so.

One very common thread through many of your comments was that there is a frustration out there getting others to understand your childs needs or how to get the best out of your child. These comments came from many parents but also some educators frustrated that parents were not open to looking at things like diet and new parenting skills so it does go both ways. There were even comments from parents saying other parents don't understand and judge them and their child. Even some comments that the childs other parent, siblings and other close relatives have problems understanding and dealing with the child.
I know that when we were dealing with Caleb, we had to be pretty pedantic about things like diet and eliminating toxins from his life.
Many I'm sure thought that we were over the top and what would one lolly or additive laden product do to hurt him. Others didn't understand how dramatic an effect could be if Caleb went off his routine of healthy diet and supplementation. Some got to see it first hand!!!!!

I think the first thing I would say is to establish a support group of family/teachers/friends that understand what you are trying to achieve.Let these people know why you are doing what you are and ask for their cooperation...yes we should do this with adults too. No one likes being told!!

Also most importantly gain your child's cooperation so they too know why you may be doing things a bit different from the norm. You can make an example of yourself by standing tall and proud that you are doing the best for your child and that you are willing to learn more to improve the situation. No one has the right to judge you for doing what is in YOUR child's best interests, it's not their business. If you have people of importance like a carer or teacher that does not seem to understand,ask for an appointment to sit down and talk to them, to gain their cooperation. Explain to them what you are doing and why and that their support is important. Share with them wins at home like when you have talked to your child and gained cooperation instead of yelling that your child responded positively.
Work hard at home to do as much as you can to gain results that you can then share with your teaches etc (just be careful to not have them feel like you are 'telling them' what to do but just what is working for you at home.) If they are a caring teacher they'll get it and try it out too. Also gain their cooperation regarding special dietary needs etc.
I still hear so many horror stories about kids being given foods that they are reactive to even after asking that they don't.

Also sometimes the third party approach is good. I hear of lots of parents sharing my books with their teachers and others close to the child to help then get their own ahaa's.

There really is so much you can do.
In summary-

1. Stand strong
2. Gain cooperation
3. Continue your education
4. Know that you are doing your best
5. Continue to tell your child how much you love them and how proud you are (unconditionally)
6. Draw on your support group often for encouragement or a shoulder if you need it.
   

Happy parenting
cheers,
Lillian

Know your body, What are you sensitive or allergic to.

Each week I send out a tip of the week to those that are on my mailing list. Some of you reading this blog may not be receiving them so I thought I would also add here.
If you would like to be added to the mailing list please let me know.

TIP OF THE WEEK - By Lillian Reekie
TIP 1-
‘Treat your child with total LOVE* and TOLERANCE* at all times.’
Regardless of what your child has or has not done we have to show them that we are TOTALLY on their side,
that we love them unconditionally and that we are there to support and encourage them under all circumstances and conditions.

*Love- is the ability not to drop your affinity for another person and to keep it there under any circumstances.
*Tolerance- is the ability NOT to show disapproval or disagreement to another person.

TIP OF THE WEEK- By Lillian Reekie
TIP 2-
‘Work towards gaining cooperation* with children; NOT control*.’
Instead of trying to control children with force, anger and nagging, talk to them, ask for their opinions and listen to what their wants and solutions are. Have a friendly conversation and let them participate in the solving of the problem.

*Cooperation is having the child operate in the same direction you are.
*Control means to cause a motion by force.

TIP OF THE WEEK- By Lillian Reekie
TIP 3-
Know and listen to your body (and your children’s) ; what you are sensitive to/ what doesn’t make you feel good or you react to or may even be allergic to*.
Keep a food/product diary, especially for your children, as sometimes various reactions can take days to become evident or cumulative in the body. By keeping a diary you can see what the common culprits were in the days prior to the reaction which can be behavioural or physical. Then you can avoid or modify to see if the reaction lessens or disappears*.

*It took me over 20 years to figure out I was reactive to wheat. I would wake up most mornings feeling sick in the stomach or with sharp pains and bloating. I used to eat a lot of vegetarian pasta and grains. When I gave up wheat most of those symptoms disappeared until I put it to the test again and after eating wheat, regretting it BIG time.
* Having allergy testing done is far more effective but this can be a good start. You can also enquire about allergy testing. I’ve just had it done and it is very interesting.

Recently we got invited to my Dads for dinner. He was cooking the boys favourite-ravioli.
I told Dad I couldn’t eat that and would need to bring my own food. Nathan encouraged me to use some special food salts that they make at his clinic that can help negate the effects various foods have on your body.
I was reluctant as I knew that having a full meal of ravioli which is large % wheat would cause havoc but he assured me that it worked well. So I took a few grains of the salt under my tongue before and after the meal.
The meal was really yummy and I did not experience any of my normal reactions of bloating or sharp pains.
Today I put it to the test again (being Easter) I got given a yummy Easter egg (possibly laden with additives) with peanut brittle from Darryl Lea. I thought for the good of all I needed to do some more research so have been consuming the egg throughout the day after having a few lots of the salts. So far so good! But I’m sure it won’t help at the scales 

About the food salts-
Bioactive Food Detox Salt Crystals:-
Description: Bioactive Homeopathic Organic Himalayan Salt Crystals.
Composition: Organic Himalayan salt crystals imprinted with 1750 different vibrations for detoxifying food additives and chemicals.
May promote elimination and detoxification of thousands of food toxins taken orally, including food additives, pesticides, colours, preservatives etc.
May decrease food cravings and assist the bodies inborn feeling for naturally produced food.
For emergency use: If you find that you are reacting to a particular food or drink, then place approximately 10 grains of salt crystal underneath your tongue immediately. This may reduce or mitigate the reactions and assists in elimination quickly.
*If you would like more info on these salts please let us know. Nathan can access these from his clinic (they are made at his clinic and cannot be accessed anywhere else)
There are also different salts for other purposes like environmental detox salts.