What do we do in those moments that we just want to SCREAM at our kids

I wanted to comment today on Marina's response to the last blog post. It was very honest of Marina to say what she has because I'm sure we have all felt that way at one time or another.
Marina commented...
"I would soooo love to see a list of alternate suggestions for those "I just want to scream" moments, because I hate, hate, hate it when my children model yucky behaviour that I realise they have learnt from me! " (see her full comment under last post)

Good question Marina. I know that we have all yelled and screamed at our children, mostly in pure frustration and often knowing it doesn't work... but doing it anyway. Then...as you say we see them mimic us, modelling the behaviour we have unconsciously taught them.

I will share with you some of the things that happened for us, that transformed our parenting from yelling/screaming and nagging (not all the time!) to a more peaceful home environment of mutual respect.

Only a couple of years or so ago our family dynamics were VERY different and if you have read 'The Revolting Child' book you will understand what was happening. Personally as a parent I was very frustrated with Caleb's choices and his behaviour and attitude. And yes Marina I had many of those "I just want to SCREAM moments" because I didn't understand Caleb and what he was going through. I didn't know why he was doing what he was and making all the choices he was.
When I started to stop and look at Caleb as an equal with his own thoughts opinions and goals and asked myself "why" he was doing what he was I could be more objective rather than reactive. So instead of yelling and saying "Why did you.....?", "Why can't you....?" I asked myself... "How can I help?"
Interestingly when I stopped (or hugely minimised) judging and yelling and showed Caleb more respect his behaviours and judgments started improving HUGELY. Hence my "I want to yell moments" also reduced hugely.

So....what do we do when we want to 'scream, yell, judge, control, nag'
I believe..

1. Look at what is happening, what are the kids doing /saying/ not doing that is making your blood pressure rise.
2. Do not react!!!!!
3. Ask yourself quietly , "What is the outcome I desire here?"
4. If your outcome is to gain cooperation, ask yourself..."Will yelling help?"
5. If you get a quick "No"
6. Assess quickly why you think the child/children are behaving the way they are. Why do you feel your blood pressure rising? What is happening?
7. Now ask yourself "How can I gain their cooperation?" Can you calmly ask your child for their cooperation. Show them that you respect their opinions. You may even be able to ask them "How can I help you?" Do this calmly and without judgement. If you have already yelled or not listened to them a great ice breaker is to say "I'm sorry for that.....I was feeling......."
8. Be honest with your children, they will really respect you. Let them see that you value them and can see why they may have been uncooperative. Discuss a middle ground that will make both parties happier.
   
9. Compromise and build on from that.
10. In a nut shell.. we can all get frustrated with each other. If you show your children (and age doesn't matter here) that they are valued and respected they in turn will mirror that back...Just like they mirror back the negative behaviours like yelling and screaming.
11. The more we can treat our children with respect and value them, the more they will want to return that to us and the LESS you will want to or need to yell and srceam. It can take some time and much self correcting of our behaviours but you know what? Children learn fast, they are smart and mostly they too want to be in a calm , happy and cooperative environment.

Hope this helps and love to hear how you go :)
Happy parenting
Cheers,
Lillian